So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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