I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
