if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wish you could order shots online.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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