And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
