Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
