He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
