just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
