I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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