omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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