I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
