i love accidental penises.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
