We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize