his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
