I think my fart just growled at me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
