the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
