So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
