i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
