She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
