Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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