she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
