so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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