when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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