i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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