Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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