I faked an abortion last night.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
