Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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