He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
