that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dear god my vagina.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
