I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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