i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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