My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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