Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
