come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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