we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
