This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
