I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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