i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
