I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
