I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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