Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
