I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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