I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
