If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.