You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online