oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.