I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Holy shit dude........stairs
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
