I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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