May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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