I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I checked into jail on foursquare
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
