Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Floor bacon is actually really good
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
