Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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