I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
