Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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