Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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