You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
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