theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
