No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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