Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
