she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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