So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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