Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
